lost in search of clarity

Down to you,
You’re pushing and pulling me down to you.
But I don’t know what I,
Now when I caught myself, I had to stop myself.
From saying something that I should have never thought.
Now when I caught myself, I had to stop myself.
From saying something that I should have never thought of you, of you.

You’re pushing and pulling me down to you,
But I don’t know what I want,
No I don’t know what I want.

You got it, you got it,
Some kind of magic.
Hypnotic, hypnotic,
You’re leaving me breathless.
I hate this, I hate this,
You’re not the one I believe in.
With God as my witness.

Now when I caught myself, I had to stop myself,
From saying something that I should have never thought.
Now when I caught myself, I had to stop myself,
From saying something that I should have never thought of you, of you.

You’re pushing and pulling me down to you.
But I don’t know what I want.
No I don’t know what I want.

Don’t know what I want.
But I know it’s not you.
Keep pushing and pulling me down,
But I know in my heart it’s not you.

Now when I caught myself, I had to stop myself,
From saying something that I should have never thought.
Now when I caught myself, I had to stop myself,
From saying something that I should have never thought of you.
I knew, I know in my heart it’s not you.
I know but now I know what I want, I want, I want,
Oh no, I should have never thought.

i dont think that it is grammatically correct but wth

at the end of three years

a) DALF

b) driving license

c) able to swim

d) able to cycle

e) clear Pergas and working towards higher level

f) pieces of writing

g) extra curricular forte

h) fit

i) mandarin/arab

j) faith

You would not believe your eyes
If ten million fireflies
Lit up the world as I fell asleep
‘Cause they fill the open air,
And leave teardrops everywhere
You’d think me rude, but I would just stand and… stare

I’d like to make myself believe
That planet Earth turns slowly
It’s hard to say that I’d rather stay awake when I’m asleep
‘Cause everything is never as it seems

‘Cause I get a thousand hugs
From ten thousand lightning bugs
As they try to teach me how to dance
A foxtrot above my head,
A sock hop beneath my bed,
A disco ball is just hanging by a thread (thread, thread)

I’d like to make myself believe
That planet Earth turns slowly
It’s hard to say that I’d rather stay awake when I’m asleep
‘Cause everything is never as it seems (when I fall asleep)

Leave my door open just a crack
(Please take me away from here)
‘Cause I feel like such an insomniac
(Please take me away from here)
Why do I tire of counting sheep?
(Please take me away from here)
When I’m far too tired to fall asleep

To ten million fireflies
I’m weird ’cause I hate good-byes
I got misty eyes as they said farewell (they said farewell)
But I’ll know where several are
If my dreams get real bizarre
‘Cause I saved a few and I keep them in a jar(jar, jar, jar)

I’d like to make myself believe
That planet Earth turns slowly
It’s hard to say that I’d rather stay awake when I’m asleep
‘Cause everything is never as it seems (when I fall asleep)

I’d like to make myself believe
That planet Earth turns slowly
It’s hard to say that I’d rather stay awake when I’m asleep
‘Cause everything is never as it seems (when I fall asleep)

I’d like to make myself believe
That planet Earth turns slowly
It’s hard to say that I’d rather stay awake when I’m asleep
Because my dreams are bursting at the seams

blogging is such a self indulgent thing, especially when there is a lot of crap to do and when you know no one is reading but there is a chance that someone might read. since no one really knows i still blog. hahahhahahahaha. sometimes i cant believe that im a working girl now. one month on. still the same feelings. im getting used to things, a bit more confident.

currently obsessed with n.u.r.u.l.h.u.d.a.S.I. haha she is sooo cool…i wanna hear her sing an Amy Winehouse or a Katy Perry.

my english has totally deteriorated. i need to start reading more books.

i miss doing creative stuff and hanging out with more people, people i used to hang out with. i miss my carefree student life!

i guess this is what they mean by resigning to fate and making the best out of things. life sucks, yes. shit happens. you move on, you just go on doing the right thing.

my bad habits are haunting me back in the form of my kids’ misbehaviours. so now i believe in karma.

never start a friendship with a relationship in mind, said a wise man. good advice.

i miss being able to punch out clever lines/poems on my keyboard. i really do. some days i get the urge to create and then when i finally get the time to do something about it, the inspiration vanishes and im flat out asleep.

super emo these fews days. im on permanent menstrual syndrome.

acting is bloody fucking tiring. doesnt help that everyday i feel like piercing above my eyebrow, tattooing a black tulip on the small of my back, a little emily icon on my shoulder blades and having dark red streaks on my hair. haha. lol lol lol.

good thing is i have snapped out of it. i think i get it now. and i can do this somehow. need to maintain that high of trying out new things. and to pray loads.

yes, the issue is always my self esteem. I guess i have really almost zero self-esteem. Its amazing how i can still function, especially in my kind of job. i guess it is a good thing that i have some sort of self awareness about this. and maybe i should just talk to some people that i know can help me.

here are a few words from this book that should be helpful:

doing the right thing will improve my self esteem

The more engaged in life you are, the more meaningful and pleasurable your experiences will be. The more you withdraw into temporary comfort or pursue illusions driven by the ego, the less pleasurable life becomes.

The soul seeks to do what is right, the ego seeks to look good in front of others, the body wants to do what feels good. Listen to the soul, not the ego or the body

True freedom is about being able to do what we truly want to do in spite of what we feel like doing at the moment.

When we rise above our inclinations and resist, we are exercising self-control. Only when we are able to choose responsibly, and do so, do we gain self-esteem. Self esteem and self-control are intertwined. If we cannot control ourselves and give in to immediate gratification or live to promote and protect an image, we wind up feeling lousy.

Start to love yourself more. Stop picking at your faults, Yes, you are not perfect. Face it. Work on improving yourself and stop bailing out.

Dont put yourself in a position of dependency/ vulnerability.

work towards unconscious competence.

delayed gratification…something that i used to thrive on. get that back.

i guess i was always right. work hard, do the right thing, dont succumb to desires. its all back to the religion.

Maybe saying this ‘out loud’ will make me feel better?! So here goes. Yes, i hate my job. Yes, Im doing this just to honour the bond. Yes, while the kids make me happy some times with their antics, it is not enough to sustain myself. Yes, I am NOT suited for the job.  Yes, I cant discipline or scold kids. Yes, I am not assertive. Yes, I dont like having to lead. Yes, I am sick and tired of ions and calculations and Forces and alkalis. Yes, I have lost my passion. Yes, I do not believe in the importance of education anymore.  Yes, I dont like to be a ‘parent’. Yes, I am sick and tired of scolding people and then suddenly regaining composure and carrying on with the lesson. Yes, I am as inspiring as a cucumber. No, I dont think that letting me teach Bio will make me change my mind. Yes, I am not interested at all in career advancement and what have yous.  No, i havent stopped caring. It pains me when i give  a sucky lesson because i cannot control the kids.  It pains me when my kids dont understand what I have taught. Yes, I internalize everything and it is not healthy. Yes, I am bad at multitasking. Yes, I am clueless half the time. Yes, Id rather work with myself and inanimate objects.  Yes, I do not enjoy talking about my kids at all. Its not fun anymore.  Everything is just going wrong. Im not eager to learn anymore. Im just relenting to fate.  Im just going to be a robot for 2+ more years and then Im out of here. Really OUT.  Im not going out because of the ’system’. Im going out because Im not cut out for this at all and I dont want to do anymore damage to myself and others and because I DONT WANT TO DO THIS.

I know what I can do to make things better at work, and believe me, I have tried and Its just not gelling with me. I will still work hard and give my best.  But that doesnt mean that I am happy about this. I really hate how we have to live our lives hating what we do for a living. That is just ridiculous. I think that id rather stay in school I figure out what I really want to do with my life.

Im not going to start thinking/writing about the fact that there seems to be nothing that I can do right or nothing that can sustain my interest for a long time, because I dont think I want to go down that track and make things a lot more miserable. Or the fact that I have no freaking idea what I want to do with my life. We know where such thinking lands me.

All I can say that I feel that I have not lived up to my own expectations at all. And that feeling sucks. I can just imagine the 16 year old me looking at the me now and saying “What a loser!”. To think that I have spent so many years working hard, studying hard, being the model student/kid to end up in a job that I hate, spending long hours on it even though I hate the job. Whatever happened to bersusah susah dahulu, bersenang-senang kemudian? I feel that I have bloody wasted my youth.

Look at how jaded I have become in just a spate of 6 years. I was such an optimistic, idealistic teenager  who was always confident of everything that she did. That she was always right and things will go according to plan. Someone who will do whatever it takes to get what she wants. Where is this person?

It was difficult to get up for work today, because I just could not face the fact that I this is my job and this is what I have to do everyday. I am so tired of putting up a facade that everything is okay. This is what everybody expects you to do. So i will continue doing this even though im so tired of this. What choice do i have left but to continue doing this? When people ask my how im finding my job, I will just say it truthfully that it sucks, with no disclaimers at all.

Now I can finally write it down that the reason why i have been feeling very miserable throughout my college days is the fact that I know that I have a job waiting for me that I do not want to do and will also suck at.

I no longer believe in escapism anymore. What is the use of a few hours of ‘happiness’ when the reality will come looming back at you and you have to face it.

So there I have laid it all out. I am counting down to the day when I can just restart everything and go somewhere else and build my life again. I may not know what the heck I want to do and I may have zero skills at the end of the day. But Im not going to waste this chance anymore.