lost in search of clarity

cringing at my previous post. forgive me i was probably on crack. the effusiveness was possibly externally induced by caffeine and good old adrenaline. nothing like a good bout of uterine contractions to help me regain my sanity.

lookit, yes im happy. but no way in hell am i performing up to peak. so many things wrong with me. i have to start somewhere.

also such bloody self indulgent posts i have been posting. ALL ABOUT ME! ME! ME! boomz! the world does not revolve around ME ME ME! stop being an idiot.

so this blog shall undergo a facelift, and i will go on a short hiatus until i can come up with a constructive use for it: eg: displaying poems, pieces of writing, dissecting and discussing serious issues…if not this blog will just degenerate into a place where i post song lyrics/wax lyrical about the future/mope… just like any other teenage with their own piece of virtual real estate.

with that i shall post the lyrics of my current ear-worm Gravity by Sara Bareilles (in another life, i shall be a lyricist, but that’s another blog post for another day…and sytycd always have the most beautiful songs):

Something always brings me back to you
It never takes too long
No matter what I say or do
I still feel you here ’til the moment I’m gone

You hold me without touch
You keep me without chains
I never wanted anything so much
Than to drown in your love and not feel your rain

Set me free, leave me be
I don’t wanna fall another moment into your gravity
Here I am and I stand so tall
I’m just the way I’m supposed to be
But you’re on to me and all over me

You loved me ’cause I’m fragile
When I thought that I was strong
But you touch me for a little while
And all my fragile strength is gone

Set me free, leave me be
I don’t wanna fall another moment into your gravity
Here I am and I stand so tall
I’m just the way I’m supposed to be
But you’re on to me and all over me

I live here on my knees
As I try to make you see
That you’re everything I think I need
Here on the ground

But you’re neither friend nor foe
Though I can’t seem to let you go
The one thing that I still know
Is that you’re keeping me down
You’re keeping me down

You’re on to me, on to me and all over
Something always brings me back to you
It never takes too long

fuck this really wth am i doing.

You can depend
On certainty
Count it out and weigh it up again
You can be sure
You’ve reached the end
And still you don’t feel

You know about anything

Do you know you’re beautiful
Do you know you’re beautiful
Do you know you’re beautiful
You are, yes you are

You can ignore
What you’ve become
Take it out and see it die again
You can be here
For who’s a friend
And still you don’t feel

You know about anything

Do you know you’re beautiful
Do you know you’re beautiful
Do you know you’re beautiful
You are, yes you are

Innermost thoughts
Will be understood and
You can have all you need

Do you know you’re beautiful
Do you know you’re beautiful
Do you know you’re beautiful
You are, yes you are

Time is gonna take my mind
and carry it far away where I can fly
The depth of life will dim my temptation to live for you
If I were to be alone silence would rock my tears
’cause it’s all about love and I know better
How life is a waving feather

So I put my arms around you around you
And I know that I’ll be leaving soon

My eyes are on you they’re on you
And you see that I can’t stop shaking
No, I won’t step back but I’ll look down to hide from your eyes
’cause what I feel is so sweet and I’m scared that even my own breath
Oh could burst it if it were a bubble
And I’d better dream if I have to struggle

So I put my arms around you around you
And I hope that I will do no wrong
My eyes are on you they’re on you
And I hope that you won’t hurt me

I’m dancing in the room as if I was in the woods with you
No need for anything but music
Music’s the reason why I know time still exists
Time still exists
Time still exists
Time still exists

So I put my arms around you around you
And I hope that I will do no wrong
My eyes are on you they’re on you
And I hope that you won’t hurt me
So I put my arms around you around you
And I hope that I will do no wrong
My eyes are on you they’re on you
And I hope that you won’t hurt me

i still think that im too naive for the real world.

Dear self,

remember that there are always consequences for every actions. things may feel good, but not end up good at the end.be careful what you wishh for cuz you might just get it.

If I’m a bad person,
You don’t like me.
I guess I’ll go,
Make my own way.
It’s a circle,
A mean cycle.
I can’t excite you anymore.
Where’s your gavel, your jury?
What’s my offense this time?
You’re not a judge but if you’re gonna judge me,
Well sentence me to another life.

(Chorus) Don’t wanna hear your sad songs.
I don’t wanna feel your pain,
When you swear it’s all my fault.
Cause you know we’re not the same.
Oh we’re not the same,
The friends who stuck together.
We wrote our names in blood,
But I guess you can’t accept that the change is good,
It’s good.
You treat me just like another stranger.
Well it’s nice to meet you sir.
I guess I’ll go.
I best be on my way out.
Ignorance is your new best friend.

This is the best thing that could’ve happened.
Any longer and I wouldn’t have made it.
It’s not a war.
No, it’s not a rapture.
I’m just a person, but you can’t take it,
The same tricks that once fooled me.
They won’t get you anywhere.
I’m not the same kid from your memory.
Now I can fend for myself.

(Chorus)

You treat me just like another stranger.
Well it’s nice to meet you sir.
I guess I’ll go.
I best be on my way out.

Down to you,
You’re pushing and pulling me down to you.
But I don’t know what I,
Now when I caught myself, I had to stop myself.
From saying something that I should have never thought.
Now when I caught myself, I had to stop myself.
From saying something that I should have never thought of you, of you.

You’re pushing and pulling me down to you,
But I don’t know what I want,
No I don’t know what I want.

You got it, you got it,
Some kind of magic.
Hypnotic, hypnotic,
You’re leaving me breathless.
I hate this, I hate this,
You’re not the one I believe in.
With God as my witness.

Now when I caught myself, I had to stop myself,
From saying something that I should have never thought.
Now when I caught myself, I had to stop myself,
From saying something that I should have never thought of you, of you.

You’re pushing and pulling me down to you.
But I don’t know what I want.
No I don’t know what I want.

Don’t know what I want.
But I know it’s not you.
Keep pushing and pulling me down,
But I know in my heart it’s not you.

Now when I caught myself, I had to stop myself,
From saying something that I should have never thought.
Now when I caught myself, I had to stop myself,
From saying something that I should have never thought of you.
I knew, I know in my heart it’s not you.
I know but now I know what I want, I want, I want,
Oh no, I should have never thought.